Abuse Offender Insight

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THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   Editor: APatcher

Update 02/24/02. So far, I'd like to thank everyone who is participating in our new forum. We hope to have an even more productive story board within the next few weeks. Hopefully, our writers and readers will benefit from what they learn here. If you would like to submit a chapter/story, please follow the instructions below, and your story will be posted on this page (at this URL). Please keep in mind, this is not an abuse "victim" or "missing persons" resourse. There are many of those already on the Web. This is first and foremost a resource for abuse offenders. This is an effort to gain some insight on the aspects that cause abuse and how it can be amended and/or corrected.

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   Waz

Once again I tread the path of despair, tried again to end the torment in my head, as I am an offender and failed once more at ending it. Guess I will wait and wonder why,why it happened, as there are no answers. Guilt, Guilt and Shame are emotions and feelings I live with, Every day now for 14 yrs, just want it to end. If you are an offender then you are not alone. Yours in Sadness and Fears. Sad for my victim and sad for living so long Waz

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   Waz

In case you are wondering, I have been charged etc and looking at a prison sentence, so I am scared, justified most will say, I made a terrible mistake and will live with that forever and a day. I also sought out and found an Offenders support group in Australia run by Dedicated Psychs, both Male and Female alike. Seek help if you are and offender, Stop now and begin to Heal what is happening. You may even choose to not reply here, which is fine, but ask for help before it's too late. Waz

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   Cycle of Abuse

Homosexual Paedophiles tend to target boys who have similar emotional needs to his own when he was a child. The average paedophile did not have a ‘good enough’ childhood and as a child had relatively low self-esteem. He internally felt (rightly or wrongly) that he did not get ‘enough’ love and attention from his mother and father. Paedophiles have an uncanny ability to ‘feel’ whether or not a target-child is receiving adequate love and attention. The less love and time a child gets from parents the more a paedophile is attracted.
Sex, to a Classic Paedophile, is ‘important’ but also paedophiles have very strong needs and urges to provide a mixture of normal paternal and maternal loving care. They want to give the child everything they feel they did not get themselves when they were a child. In some ways one could declare that a homosexual paedophile always targets a boy who in many ways mirrors his own ‘inner-child’. This mirror reflects either his actual inner-child or more likely reflects the paedophile’s belief of what constitutes the ‘ideal’ and ‘perfect’ child. The child he wishes he was. The end result of this is that paedophiles tend to be attracted to the very same boys who have such a similar childhood that these child victims too could become a paedophile.
Normal men love women. Some men love men. Paedophiles are paedophiles because they do not love adults. Homosexual paedophiles would have been ‘plain’ homosexuals if they were ‘able’ to love men. Instead they hate men but still love males. Paedophiles do not trust adults. “Adults abuse you. Children are safe”. That is what every single paedophile thought when he was a child. And ask any child what is the biggest difference between child and adult and the answer will always be (size and) body/pubic hair.
When a paedophile was a child he hated adults and he also hated adults’ body-hair and especially hated pubic-hair. Pubic-hair became a ‘symbol’ or ‘icon’ to represent ‘adult’. And a good source for this hate of pubic-hair is the fact that the paedophile was sexually abused himself. When he was a child he was sexually victimised by an adult and this was the final ‘ingredient’ to cause him to become paedophile as apposed to normal.
Most, perhaps all paedophiles were sexually abused as a child but most of these men have ‘forgotten’ the incident. This is another vital key to understanding the cycle of sexual abuse and how to prevent it. Humans, and especially young people, have a remarkable ability to place a ‘horrible-incident’ into a dark corner of their mind. The whole episode is placed in a ‘room’ of the brain and then the door to this memory is firmly shut. This is called ‘repression’. This means that even though we know Peter-the-paedophile was sexually assaulted sometime in his childhood he would swear ‘black-and-blue’ he was not. He would be convinced he was not a victim because he has repressed the memory. He really has totally forgotten about it. Repression functions to protect the individual from memories which would produce severe apprehension, anxiety and guilt if he were to remember them. To make this clear we will return to the 8 year old boy Peter abused.
Imagine, to start with, Peter was not caught. No one except the child and the perpetrator knew what happened. Peter left the boy after threatening him to keep the secret, and the boy returned dazed to the playground. The boy was in a state of shock and could not believe what had happened. He goes and sits on the bench. He is shaking. He is relieved that his penis was not bitten off and simultaneously can’t believe that the fellatio felt so good. Here comes the first part he wants to forget. The fact that he was utterly terrified he was to loose his penis. Little boys ‘love’ their penis because it is the penis that makes them a boy. If you do not have a penis you are a girl! A boy does not want to be a girl! And (controversial to some), prepubertal boys do get sensual gratification from their penis; another reason they’d hate to loose it. The boy thinks: don’t worry, it didn’t get bitten off! Don’t worry. It didn’t get bitten off! He drums this into his head to help him cope with the trauma. But here comes the remarkable bit. He repeats this mantra for half an hour and then gets up off the bench and joins the other children. It seems as if he is surviving because he is acting as if nothing has happened. Children can so easily ‘recover’ from traumatic incidents and act as if ‘nothing’ has happened when they have other more exciting things to occupy their mind.
However the boy returns home very quiet and sombre. His mother is too busy to see how quiet he is, and if she does notice she assumes he simply had another fight with his brother. That night the boy goes to bed and already the memory of the sexual abuse is fading. He does not want to replay the traumatic event. He does not want to relive that awful fear of losing his penis. He does not want to think about those minutes of fellatio because he hated the conflict between fear and pleasure. He was more scared than he has ever felt in his life and yet at the same time his body felt amazing sensations better than any other experience he had ever had. Repression acts to prevent the boy from having to ‘deal’ with this utterly confusing and conflicting experience. Thinking about it causes severe anxiety so the easiest solution is to not think about it at all.
There is more to be repressed: the boy feels so guilty that his body felt ‘good’. He does not know what sexual feelings are and he is still very much innocent concerning the dual purpose of the male organ. Previous to this sexual assault the boy really did believe that a penis is only for urination. He had never masturbated before, and did not even know ‘climax’ was possible. What the man did was so rude! So disgusting! Having a willie in your mouth: yuch! And yet, a part of him liked it... no he didn’t, it was the most terrifying moment of his life. Yet it felt good even though it was so rude. He can’t deal with all this emotional conflict. “Just don’t think about it and go to sleep,” the boy says. Oh no... what has happened to me. Thinking about it has made my willie go hard and tingly and I wish all that did not happen. I’m glad my willie is safe now. I hate thinking about all this. I hate this so much I’m never going to think about it again. Oh my willie feels funny and tingling maybe I should rub it to make it feel better...
Before today this boy already had an ‘aversion’ to adults. In his little world he does not feel he is totally unconditionally loved by any adult. He believes his mum only loves him when he is ‘good’ and mostly he isn’t. He is always getting into trouble. It is always adults who chastise him. In some minor ways he has already been ‘emotionally’ abused by adults and this adds to his ‘dislike’ and ‘weariness’ of grown-ups. But now an adult has sexually abused him he positively hates adults. “That adult made me more scared than I’ve ever been before and I hate him for it. If there were no adults in this world I would be happier. I hate grown-ups so much and I hope I never become one!”
A week later we would find that the boy has already repressed the fact that he was sexually abused. Repression operates on a unconscious (or subconscious) level, The boy does not think: stop thinking about it any more. Instead he simply does not give it another moment of contemplation and totally forgets everything eventually believing nothing even happened. Sadly, though, even though he believes it did not happen all the ‘ingredients’ of paedophilia have been placed in the ‘bowl’. After a few years it is all inextricably mixed together. Then puberty is the oven. Adolescence ‘cooks’ the mixture and you have a paedophile. Sadly it is as simple as that.
Obviously nothing pertaining to human sexuality and especially sexual deviance is simple. But in many ways you are getting the picture. If this is all getting a bit incomprehensible please hang in there. It eventually all gets easier and less bizarre. Let’s forget about that victim and return to the simpler facts about paedophiles. Normal heterosexual men do not have a childhood aversion to adults and they are sexually attracted to the shape of a woman’s body. The heterosexual paedophile, on the contrary does not like the ‘pear’ shape of a woman. Paedophiles do not like the wide ‘child-bearing’ hips and do not like a woman’s breasts. Instead they like the female to have a smooth ‘contour’ of child free from any ‘icons’ of adulthood. Paedophiles hate every ‘symbol’ of adulthood and as said this is fixated into the specific phobia of body-hair and especially pubic-hair.
Homosexual paedophiles ‘desire’ two prime sexual activities with boys. The one is to anally penetrate the boy. The ‘reasons’ are ownership, dominance, being inside another person, etc. This desire to penetrate the boy’s buttocks comes from the fact that all paedophiles are attracted to a child’s bottom because this (body-hair-free) zone represents ‘mother’s breast’. Sounds pretty mad, I can well imagine, but please just believe this. Paedophiles are even more attracted to a child’s bottom than any heterosexual man desires ‘Pam Anderson’s boobs’. Normal men love woman breasts because they symbolise ‘mother-love’. If a baby could speak they would say the best ‘thing’ on earth is mum’s breast. These provide food, warmth and shelter and are near the womb (which was baby’s previous home).
Paedophiles as infants also loved mummy’s breasts but maybe mummy’s breasts were not ‘good enough’ and at some stage the infant rejected the breast as a ‘place of comfort’. But because there is a good chance all new-born babies are instinctively ‘programmed’ to be attracted to the breast, source of food and shelter (thus life), some tiny male children look elsewhere for a similar shape. And this is the buttocks. Buttocks have a cleavage and buttocks are nice and round and soft. All homosexuals like bums. The difference between a gay man and the homo-paedophile is that the paedophile venomously hates body-hair.
Paedophiles are unable to be attracted to a buttock if there is any chance it will have hair. You could look at this another way. Imagine someone who really hates spiders and is afraid of spiders, an arachnophobic. Then ask them to fantasise about having sex with a beautiful partner covered in spiders. They will not be able to! Similar to paedophiles, when they were teenagers and started to think about having sex they could not and would not consider anyone who had any pubic-hair or any body-hair. Like the arachnophobic cannot contemplate sex with a spider-covered partner, so too were teenage paedophiles unable to fantasise of sex with an adult.
Homosexual paedophiles desire to perform anal penetration but also desire to re-assure themselves that their own penis will not be bitten off. Remember we saw that 8 year boy, the one assaulted by Peter, was frightened that Peter was going to bite his little prepubertal penis right off. Well, Peter has exactly the same unconscious fear. Peter was sexually abused when he was a little boy and he also felt very scared and traumatised because he was scared the adult abuser would bite his penis off. Homosexual paedophiles want to reassure themselves that their symbol of malehood is safe. Remember we’ve seen that the target-boy is a mirror of the paedophile’s inner-child. Well, Peter started to orally stimulate the boy’s penis because Peter knew it was safe. When the paedophile was a child he was frightened that the abuser sucking his penis would bite it off and he still has the unconscious fear as an adult. But now adult Peter is the one with his teeth around the prepubertal penis he is 100% positive the penis is safe. Paedophiles can identify so strongly with the boy that they ‘become’ the child. The child’s penis is the paedophile’s own penis when he was a child.
Human behaviour and sexuality is infinitely complex and all said has been grossly simplified. This trend follows here because now I am going to say that humans work on the principle of ‘if it feels good do it more: if it feels bad don’t do it at all’. Thus young children may play with fire until they burn themselves and then decide they do not like the pain and thus stop. With something that feels good, however, the human will repeat it to receive the same ‘reward’ of feeling good. Every single man, except a few true celibates, know that the best short-term feeling on earth is sexual climax. When teenage boys masturbate they are rewarded with a climax and, concerning paedophiles, they are rewarded for thinking about sex with someone who is NOT an adult. They get rewarded each time they fantasise of having sex with a body-and-pubic-hair free partner, another child. This continues for years until you get the man who has reinforced this sexual attraction towards children thousands of times and becomes ‘mentally-ill’ because he can’t cope with this sexual orientation.

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   Anonymous

Dear offenders: We would gladly help you with your emotional problems if you asked us to listen to you talk. Then, we would care about your problems. The people that you choose to abuse are usually weak, or they wouldn't fall for your bull. We could be your friends. But instead you choose to hurt us. I am not trying to hurt you back, but I have so much pain due to abuse from men. First my father, then from a random rape attack when I was 22yrs old. Then I was abused physically by a recent boyfriend. I realize now that men cannot be changed. My goal is to tell you that your abuse of the weak is exactly the same as what ever abuse you felt that brought you to this point. Your goal should not be scoring abuse points... it should be subtracting them.

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   Offender to anonymous

Suffer you have, self hate is often an end result of abuse as well, and if an offender really cares they would come in here and try, even if it is in Vain, to say we are Sorry, and it will never happen again. I offended 14 yrs ago, and never re-offended. All I feel is pain and shame for what I have done, I was a Victim yes, but no excuse and I am not looking for excuses or forgiveness, as I will never forgive myself, how hypocritical to seek forgiveness from your victim and society in general. Dear anonymous, on behalf of the male population that have hurt you I am sorry, and I pray it never happens again, and if I could take away your pain I would. And if you see some brain dead MORON coming into this room and making fun of Abuse, then that person is extremely sick, and unlike me, cos I care about what has been done, and if I could prevent it from happening to anyone ever again, that would be a blessing. That is why I asked for an Abuse site to be set up here, so you as a Victim can have your say, and on the other hand, the Offenders can have a place to come and ask for advice or help, I wish I had have had Help 14 yrs ago, too late for me, but if someone is weakening and leaning towards Offending, then ppl like me may just Save some innocent child or woman from being hurt. Once again Anonymous, I am Sorry for your abuse

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   "Unreformed" child molestor

I am 52 y/o male who molested my daughter from when she was 5 till I was caught when she was 12. I spent two years in prison to be "rehabilatated". In a way it did not work. all tho I have been out for ten years now I still have the desire for little girls. The good thing is that prison did scare me enough that all tho I still have the desire I will never do it again with a little girl. I have found over the internet ways to full fill my desires thru masterbation while "just looking". I hope that this is as far as I ever go again.

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER WAS BY:   To "Unreformed". from Offender

Have you sought out Offenders Programs? In Australia and the US, there are places that provide help for people that are afraid of offending and reoffending, and the program runs for 12 months, 40 weeks of talking and support, and to help you get over the desires you have, and to never reoffend again, you know it's not natural, and I am not using excuses or anything Else, but I bet you have unresolved childhood Issues, abuse or whatever, you as I do have to deal with that, and to make sure we never ever offend again. I have been charged and go to trial this yr and scared to death, but my doing as I offended. You need help, I sought it out and found it, thank god for that, the psychs that run the program are very supportive and non judgemental. There is help out there, Go and Search as I did and end the suffering that is going on in your head as well, esp as you are afraid of reoffending. And it sounds like you want to stop, doing what you are doing is still not the answer, as little girls or boys are sacred and need to be protected, I am sure you would agree, it will be your Past that is making you behave the way you are. And congrats for having the courage to come in here and tell a little of your story.
I have done some research and found a possible site you may find of benefit, it is called the Giarretto Institute, apparently it's for Offenders and Families alike, and victims. Please try and look it up and get Help, cos I fear the desire will overide your fear of imprisonment, and we have to do everything in our power to protect our children. It will take courage on your part, but what have you got to lose. I did it and so can you, do it NOW before it's too late.

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Keep in mind, this is not a message board or a chat-room. This is a "story board". If you want to communicate with other writers on a personal level, please email them. Any name in BLUE has an email address if you click on it. If the name is not in BLUE, the writer wishes to remain anonymous. Unfortunately, we do not have room on this page for chat-room-like conversations. However, you are welcome to give general advice to "the people" on this page.